Casino Boy Says: After hanging out with the patrons here, I've learned what's really important in life- my mutual funds and my golf game!

Hotel Size:
Overall Quality:
Room Price:
Casino Size:
715 rooms
32,000 s.f.
Very good

Desert Inn
1-800-634-6906, 3145 Las Vegas Blvd. South, Las Vegas, NV 89109
Check out their Website.

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Casino Food Entertainment Amy's Theme Review

Room Quality Only the finest. This joint earned Mobil's hard-to-win Four Diamond award. We're talking big, very expensively decorated rooms with over-stuffed furniture and views of the Strip or the golf-course. Although, the St. Andrew Tower is better than the Augusta Tower and the rooms are showing a few signs of age. You get big, fluffy towels, all amenities and marble everywhere. Rooms are decent sized, decorated in muted colors, have armoires, hairdryers, phones in the john. Oh, the johns are huge, with a big dressing area and a toilet that closes off separately.

Around $130-$200
Around $80-$120
Around $200-$300
Around $150

What Does Discount Mean?

Service Quality: Fan-freakin'-tastic! You ask and you shall receive at the Desert Inn. Unlike some places, the staff is well-trained and totally professional at pampering you without condescending. They're even nice to lowlifes like us here. Check-in is quick and easy. Room service has very expensive, but very good, food, and maid service is impeccable.
What You Get Bottles of in the Bathroom: So much stuff you won't ever be able to use it all before they bring more. Q-tips, bath gel, sewing kit, shampoo, conditioner, lotion and, the crowning glory, shoe mitts. Plus, the towels here are really worth stealing to use for more than just drying off your car.
Clientele: Real money. While a lot of hotels in Las Vegas are for people who pretend they have money, the Desert Inn is for those who really have it and don't care if you know. Mostly middle-age to elderly folks with a truckload of financial security.
How's the pool? One of Las Vegas' finest. It's swaaaanky. It's actually a series of large pools spread out over a beautifully manicured landscape, with the tennis courts and golf course within view. There are usually lots of ugly, fat executives sitting by the pool reading the business section of the paper.
Free Shuttle: Oh please, like these ritzy cats want to haul your butt around. There is no free shuttle. (For complete free shuttle info and schedules buy our guide--it's only $4)

Table Games: They have the basic staples, and the tables are rarely crowded. For that matter, the casino is rarely crowded. It's like an appendage to a gorgeous hotel. Because it is a small casino, they don't have a lot of different games going. Man, oh, man does the casino look nice, though. It is understated, with everything looking like it cost a pretty penny. Probably the nicest looking, most reserved joint in town.
Machines: From a nickel to $500. There are more dollar machines than anything, but also a load of $5 machines. For $5 players, there are some full-pay video poker machines, but the rest of us get nothing but short-pay.
Bet Minimums: $5 a lot of the time at blackjack, craps and roulette. It never goes lower, but we haven't seen the minimum go higher, either.
Cocktails? Superb. These are tasty drinks in fancy glasses and they even give them to us when we are just standing around. If you want to get drunk, just tip the ladies and ask them to come back often.
Who Gets Comps? The big boys. Actually, the Desert Inn caters to high-rolling Asian gamblers and these guys get the suites. For us low-brow dopes, there ain't much happening. You have to throw out black chips for them to even notice you're alive.

Buffet: Rich people don't need to strap on the feed bag, so there is no official buffet here.
Ho Wan: Fancy-schmancy chinese for their Asian high-rollers and the rest of us with a hankering for good sesame chicken. It's reportedly outstanding, but out of our price range (note to Desert Inn executives: we'd love to give it a full review, but we need to eat it first--hint, hint).
Monte Carlo: Continental dining in a Four Diamond restaurant. This is one of those places you don't go to chow down, but to take three hours to eat and savor everything. You also don't ask for a doggy-bag in someplace as nice as this, or so we learned.
Terrace Pointe: Even the 24 hour coffee shop is ritzy. It's high quality food all the time, but it's prices are high. Again, go here to enjoy a meal, not just fill up before you get down to the serious drinking. Don't ask them if they have a $2 late-night steak special.

The other restaurant is Portofino, which we guess is fancy Eye-talian stuff. No Olive Garden here.

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Crystal Room: Lots of big name comics and sort of tame pop music acts play here. Comedians like Dennis Miller, Don Rickles and Ray Romano perform with tickets in the $50 range. Pop acts like the Temptations also perform. This showroom does not have reserved seating, so if you want a good seat you actually have to go through the process of tipping the maitre de.
Starlight Lounge: It's Martini Midnight Madness Fridays through Sunday. Get out a $20, get a free martini, act like a pretentious yuppie and relax. Actually, it's adult comedy, starting, of course, at midnight. Adult comedy means jokes about your private parts, and lots of them. You'd probably be better off at home watching old Def Jam comedy tapes. In the early evenings they have a nine-piece orchestra playing with Susan Anton doing a lot of old school Vegas stuff. The show is free and you don't even have to buy any booze.
Golf: There's no golf course to the Strip than the classy golf course here. How much does it cost? Well, first you have to be a guest of the hotel, then you must let them chop off one leg and one arm.

Where? North Strip
Who owns it? Starwood
Ostensible Theme Visitors can sample the luxurious lifestyle of pastel sportswear and unlimited leisure at this desert resort. This time-honored combination of gambling, golf, and tennis is geared towards the "Ensure" set.
Clientele I spotted a passel of retired folks, with a sprinkling of portly executives. And, how could I forget the Wayne Newton doppelganger?
Employee costumes Dealers wear high-collared white shirts with black trim. The rather mature waitresses wear the Las Vegas uniform of choice- the black and gold minidress. Your great aunt Cookie would approve.
Carpet and Other Decor The architecture of the hotel captures the exotica implicit in the Desert Inn name. However, the joint looks much more glamorous inside. The recently renovated Players Suites have a healthy dose of country club ritziness. It must be the Spanish tile and those huge mirrored windows.

The carpet in the casino features a pattern of green leaves and gold sunbursts. Green and gold are colors traditionally associated with wealth, so the combination is thematically appropriate. The gaming area is sumptuous- polished wood, an enormous chandelier, fake palms- but not laborious. Gilt is present, but kept well below lethal levels. Entrances to the hotel towers are named "Augusta", "St Andrews", and "Wimbledon".

The restrooms are where the Desert Inn really shines. They have a nice sitting area, marble floors, hair care products in case of coiffure emergency, lotion, fresh flowers and live plants, lots of towels, and framed botanic prints on the walls. The Desert Inn knows that rich people demand a lot from their restrooms; restrooms are expected to be comfortable havens with all the amenities.
Food Can't you just imagine "ladies who lunch" wearing their cashmere sweater sets at the Terrace Pointe Cafe? But, of course, dah-lings!
Games The Desert Inn sticks with the traditional games. When it comes to recreation, these folks don't play around.
Entertainment Don Rickles keeps the blue-hairs in stitches. Kid Creole and the Coconuts rock the Crystal Showroom.
Services Just like any highfalutin' country club, the Desert Inn has its own spa, golf course, ballroom, and an extensive pool area. The true proof of luxury, though, is the presence of several employees to sweep invisible motes of dust.
Did it work? The Desert Inn was renovated not long ago, and they did a fine job. They know how to show wealthy oldsters a good time and a fair amount of comfort. The Desert Inn is proud to be old school, so they don't dabble in themes; they specialize in a lifestyle... Burt Cohen's lifestyle.
Suggestions The Desert Inn should host a German-American Mardi Gras next year! The attendees with their rowdy tavern songs and enormous hats and conga lines will show the Desert Inn a mighty fine time.


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